01Halloween
Was a son-of-a-bitch of a night. I was lonely, sad and felt like I wanted to be dead. It’s not the first time I’ve thought about being dead, but this was one powerful and despondent feeling. Probably the most powerful yet. It lasted about 30 minutes and during that time I thought the world would be better without me in it, that I had nothing to live for, that my life was in tatters and has crumbled around me. Everything I had worked so hard to build was gone. I broke down and cried for about 30 minutes, the longest I’ve ever cried. It made me realize that this is quite possibly the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I’ve been tossed out, rejected, abandoned, set adrift while some fuck laughs at me - a married fuck at that. It is perhaps the lowest I could possibly imagine myself ever being. I am at a place where there seems little hope, where life is a sour lemon I’m forced to eat over and over and over again. It’s the closest thing I could possibly imagine hell to be. This is where I am today, I’m in hell and it’s the most horrible place in this world. that’s what hell is…
But with all this, I still managed to make it through the day and to my bed. I won’t sleep well, but I’m here, I’m still breathing and I’ll wake up tomorrow to try and get through the day. Besides, I sort of made some friends today and leaned on existing friendship for support. I’m feeling awful alone right now, trying to fill the days and nights with stuff, but, thus far it’s meaningless. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends, but they don’t really know what I’m going through, I can describe it, but it’s not the same. People always say the same thing “you’ll get through this and you’ll be better on the other end” - Let me tell you folks, I’m just trying to make it through I hour at a time, there is no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel because I just entered the damn tunnel and it only gets darker before reaching the other end. I have pain and hell to look forward to for the forceable future.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings
Tomorrow will be a good day. You got a lot off of your chest today and tonight. I don’t know if people really know the right thing to see in these situations, but it’s nice to just have someone by your side to be encouraging and supportive. There are a lot of people out there who love you and would love to be that for you. You just need to reach out…don’t worry about who they are and what they will think of Marley. You need to put yourself first right now. It’s always the darkest before the light. You are doing such a great job. I’m so proud of you. We all are. Tomorrow will be better. Love, niss
